[OS] For Hypocrisy

Principles for a Hypocritic Oath

This speech script was found in the bowels of a library in Washington, D.C., apparently forgotten. Though undated, it was clear that it had been printed from a computer on paper that had yet to yellow or become too deformed by time. It seems to refer to a convention which was held in the area, and handwritten notes in black pen are dotted throughout. Though seemingly recent, an online search for the existence of the convention turned up nothing. The notes written in the margins, presumably by the speaker, have been included in brackets in this transcription.

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Thank you all for coming to the inaugural American Hypocrite Association Convention. It’s wonderful to see all these smiling faces and wonder how many of you mean it [pause for laughter]. But of course, it is jokes just like that which harm our community, and we cannot overlook our part in allowing them to contain a grain of truth. See, our country is beset by untrustworthy, quack hypocrites—hypocrites who take advantage of our trust and use hypocrisy without the responsibility it bestows. That is why we have formed this organization: to professionalize hypocrisy and guide its use, so that a few malicious practitioners cannot continue to harm the name of what I know to be a welcoming, compassionate community.

We take heart from the success of our equals in the medical profession [look up, raise an eyebrow slightly, signal facetiousness] in using an oath to hold members of the profession to a communal standard. Throughout this convention, we will hear from some of our most impressive contemporary hypocrites [gesture to the right, at itinerary]. At the end, the process of drafting such an oath for our purposes will begin with a time for comments and the creation of an exploratory commission. We must, together, defend the name of that most easily accused of all characters—the hypocrite. But we cannot not do so without qualification. Hypocrites must have standards, so that we do not become mere deceivers or dreamers.

Now, the great honor of inaugurating this convention has fallen to me [look up with adequate sheepishness, grin], and with it, a responsibility to orient us all. And I take myself to be doing no more than that—I want everyone here to be thinking throughout this convention, “how can I make hypocrisy better in America?” and we need each and every one of us to be doing that. However, I believe there are some basic orienting principles to which every plausible Hypocritic Oath should attest, and it may be helpful to bring such principles forward, into the open air [if outside, add “as it were” and look up at the open sky]. [Pause meaningfully].

First, A Hypocrite Is Not an Enemy.

Now, I apologize—I have something of a soft spot for quips and quotes, pithy little things that push a thought through a needle’s eye. It is corny, perhaps even a bit kitschy, but they help me think and I thought perhaps they might do so for you all as well. Anyway, since I’m up here and have the microphone, you’ll be hearing them nonetheless [pause for chuckles]. So, a quote from Rabbi Alfred Bettleheim: “prejudice saves us a painful trouble, the trouble of thinking.”

Now, I believe that we must all admit our part to play in the prejudice brought on the hypocritical community [pause in a soulsearching manner, look up from paper]. However, it should still pain us when we see just how common and terribly received accusations of hypocrisy have become. And yet [hold finger up] it is my contention that the primary way that hypocrisy is used currently is little more than a tactic of evasion and must not distract us from our own deliberations. [Pause]

Accusations of hypocrisy fly fast and strong in many disagreements. What is curious is that so many of these accusations are premised on little more than a few sentences or a garbled secondhand telling of a belief. This is entirely inverted: a hypocrite is what we might call our closest friends and intellectual companions, not distant strangers.

A charge of hypocrisy requires placing a professed belief in contradiction with a different position or action of your opponent. Most often, this is done in political contexts, where multiple imputed beliefs are considered contradictory. This process obscures the fact that to place two beliefs in contradiction with one another requires a nuanced understanding of the belief system surrounding them. Believing that “the cat was on the mat” and “the cat was not on the mat” at the same times is only contradictory if they are talking about the same moment in time. “Walking dogs is cruel” and “walking dogs is good” is only contradictory if you believe, as you should, that being cruel to dogs is not good. However, to call someone who believes both of those things a hypocrite requires knowing whether they have the intermediate belief. And so often, this is not done. Rather, an accusation of hypocrisy is used as a way to excuse ourselves from the hard work of considering someone else—of thinking.

I am concerned for our non-hypocritical fellows that they feel they have no common recourse except the rarefied air of formal logic, but even more than that I believe it is incredibly important for us to not be waylaid by these misuses: a hypocritic oath must focus on the importance of understanding each other and what makes us hypocrites. A hypocritic oath cannot long defend logical incoherence.

Second, A Hypocrite Is Not a Liar

If I may, once again, a quote. This time from Nathaniel Hawthorne: “no one man can, for any considerable time, wear one face to himself, and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which is the true one.” Now, some will tell you that hypocrisy merely means professing a belief that one does not actually believe. This has confused me [make a slightly exaggerated confused face]: don’t we already have enough words for such things? Isn’t that, quite simply, a liar? We don’t seem [ed. note: “seem” is underlined multiple times] to take the two ideas to be simply interchangeable. Hypocrisy was, originally, the name for a sin—[cut off murmurs] I know, I know, but it’s true! Our community gets its name from a sin. You know, though, we are not the first to do so: Pride Month is also named after a sin! One of the seven deadly ones at that! [Smile jokingly.]

[Pause, allow for chuckles, begin in a serious tone.] Now, our sin is “that of pretending to virtue or goodness that one does not have.” [Slight pause] I propose that an important principle for this convention ought to be the distinction of such pretensions from lying. A hypocrite must believe in the virtue or goodness they profess. Hypocrisy is not a matter of an outer face of pious belief and an inner face of wicked self-interest. That is mere lying. A hypocrite must never falter from his belief in the words he does not act under. [Slowly, with emphasis.] A hypocrite must have one face—one face that professes a virtue to which he is unable to attain. [Pause]

Third, A Hypocrite Is Someone Trying to Change

Change begins with belief. But it does not stop there. The Ancient philosopher Theognis said, “if arguments were enough to make men good, they would justly have won great rewards.” A mere belief, a mere pretension to virtue, is not enough to make someone virtuous. That requires immeasurable attempts and immeasurable failures. It requires disappointment and regret, the pain of not living up to what you have held yourself out to be. It requires betrayal—of yourself, your ideas, and perhaps even others. [Pause.] It requires hypocrisy. [Pause again.]

A hypocrite is someone trying to make themselves good. Why do we profess to virtue we do not have? So that someday we may pretend ourselves into reality. To say that we cannot live up to our own words is to say merely that we are human, human enough to believe we could be more than we are and human enough to be less than what we believe. If we pretend to virtue we do not have, let that be a failure to reach our aim rather than an aim we do not have.

Fourth, A Hypocrite Is an Idealist

Let me count the reasons I am a hypocrite: I believe that being on time for things is an important expression of respect for another’s time, yet I often scramble to be just a few minutes late to things; I believe one should speak seriously and frankly, especially about those things important to oneself, yet I perpetually undercut moments of emotional frankness with a sly joke or jape; I believe that everyone has some pearl of wisdom unto themselves, whether it sits atop their mind or is buried deep in some mollusk’s shell underneath, yet I frequently dismiss others’ perspectives when I am busy, don’t want to be bothered, or perhaps even just a bit peckish; I believe that oftentimes confessionals are unproductive and self-obsessive navel-gazing under the guise of altruism, yet here I am making this speech about me instead of about our mission here. In just this speech, I am sure, I have been a hypocrite in all these ways and more.

So why, why am I a hypocrite? Robert Browning: “ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?” I am a hypocrite because what else could heaven be for, if not for the hypocrites who believe in it? [Pause.]

Fifth, A Hypocrite May Be a Rare Thing

I will end my remarks with a warning. [Pause.] I worry that we are a dying breed. I worry for a future where there are no hypocrites, where none will have the courage, the temerity, or the belief to attempt to stand for something they may fall short of. I worry we will become so enamored with consistency that we forget to reach [reach with hand] for anything beyond our grasp [make a closed fist with outreached hand]. I worry that we will become suspicious of anyone who aims for something higher, or that we will become so enamored with the absolutely impossible that we forget our own agency and ability to become good, or at least better. [Look up from papers, make eye contact.]

[Slowly, with emphasis.] Worse than being a hypocrite, worse than continuously falling short of the possible, is those twin nihilisms of egoism and utopianism. For if there are no standards for us beyond our immediate, narrow interests, then there is no reason to ever attempt to be something else, no reason to connect with others, to love them or sacrifice for them. It is surely as lonely as it sounds. And, just as surely, if the only standard we care to attain is impossible, or at least so far out of our grasp that we individually can do very little or nothing to achieve it, then there is no reason to treat those who depend on you well, no reason to sacrifice individually for them or love them as yourself. If the whole world is at fault, then no one has a claim on anyone else. And surely such a life is just as lonely.

I apologize for the philosophizing—we hypocrites tend to be a practical bunch, and I do not mean to change our focus too much. But when we come together to attempt to define ourselves, to attempt to create a new community, we need a vision. I hope that I have, with my meagre contributions here, given us at least some direction as we head into this week of speaking, listening, and falling short.